Isaac has a pretty bad case of diaper rash, which means that whoever changes the diaper gets to smear his ass and surroundings with the appropriately named "Butt Paste." Today at 5pm, this task fell to me. Today at 5 pm, my life changed forever, and not in the "I won the lottery" or the "Cate Blanchett wants in on the threesome" way.
Isaac devastated his diaper with a Herculean shit. I literally involuntarily gasped "Whoo-ee!" out loud upon smelling this little trouser nuke. It was rawkus. And it was not just all over the back of Isaac, it was all over the front of Isaac. You know where. His twig and berries. His Drumstick and Two Sides. Put another way, his penis and testacles.
Dutifully, and in accordance with FATHER CODE 12 (Bits get touched), I wiped this down. Unfortunately, a particularly sticky bit of crap got stuck between his Professor and Two Assistants (geez, his cock and balls, you euphemistically challenged idiot). There was only one thing to do. I had to grab the trouser snake (carefully) in order to remove the last bits.
And then it happened. I don't know how. I don't know why. But to my grave, I have to carry the following fact: I gave my baby a boner.
I am Isaac's fluffer now. F#@!. Me.