Monday, October 25, 2010

A Friendly Guide to Your Child's Horrible Injuries

Today's infant is an inquisitive, on-the-go sort. He or she is scooting all over, grabbing everything, and using your smart phone to text inappropriate pictures of himself to NY Jets employees. With all of this excitement, your child is bound to have the occassional scratch, bump, or broken something or another. You know, that thing at the end of that other thing? They use it for crawling, or for eating, or whatever?

Point is, babies beat themselves up.

Looks painful, right? Fortunately, I have a Q + A for young parents, like I used to be, before Ike aged me 53 years in 7 months. I gotta finish this before the early bird special ends. Maaaaaat-looooocccck!

Q: Oh god, he just bumped his head/scraped his knee/caught a case of "stigmata." What do I do?

Relax. Babies do this all the time. And mostly, they recover emotionally in about 8 seconds, unless you freak them out. Babies are actors. They have absolutely no idea how to behave, but they will ham it up for you if you give them attention. The best thing you can do is just smile at your child. That way, they will come to associate searing pain with hilarity. This will be good later in life, when the world has left them a broken husk of a soul.

Q: Should I call the doctor?

Maybe. The general rule of thumb is that if you feel really worried, or notice anything strange in your child after her accident, a call to the doctor is in order. So, if after bumping her noggin, your child thinks that Dane Cook is funny, call immediately. If everything seems okay, don't waste your doctor's time. They will repay that later on by making you sit in the office with a screaming child for freaking hours on end. Not cool, Dr. Dick.

Q: Why do I feel so bad about my child's accident?

This is a common response. It's called caring. There are two options here. The first is to learn to live with it. The second is to cut that caring crap out. Your call here, but keep in mind that choosing not to care is how your child ends up being on an MTV reality series. And nobody wants that.

Q: Am I a negligent monster?


Q: Should I lay the points with the Giants, or take Dallas to cover?

I don't know. And gambling is a terrible vice for a parent to have. Have you tried Whip-its? That's the way to go. Crazy fun. I don't like to advocate substance abuse, but I don't like to not advocate it, either. So huff, huff, huff!!!


  1. Nothing compared to what you did to your brother. Or what he did to you.

  2. Best part of child injuries...the questions asked to 'rule out' abuse and the awkward silence when you make a joke...Doctors don't like that.

  3. Doctors don't like a lot of good things. My friend Kha is a doctor, and he hates puppies.

    /true story
    //not a true story