Happy Birthday, Isaac!

Today marks the completion of one year on Earth for you, little one. This concept of a year is fascinating, really. Essentially, we as human beings were able to establish a) that Earth travels in an elliptical orbit around the sun, that b) the earth rotates once on its axis roughly every 24 hours, and that c) the path around the sun takes roughly 365 of these rotations to complete. Finally, we were also able to determine that you like chocolate cake, as pictured. THAT IS SCIENCE!

Other fun things of the past 365 days:

1. Daddy's favorite baseball player last year was Ike Davis, because he had the same name, wore number 29 (which was how old daddy was when you were born) and his rookie year was also yours.
2. We did not go bankrupt.
3. Mommy and Daddy are now both old salts with vomit, spit-up (not the same as vomit), snot, saliva, and poop.
4. You were born one day before the Haiti earthquake, meaning that some of your birthday thunder will be stolen by the "It's been X years since..." stories. Sorry. We wanted you born on the 4th. So really, it's your fault, if you think about it...
5. Daddy likes to pass the buck and the stinky baby.
6. Mommy doesn't play that.
7. On your first birthday, as daddy was getting ready to go to work (during Ni Hao, Kailan), you made a huge fuss, ran over to daddy, gave him a big goodbye hug, then headed over to finish your show in mommy's lap. Daddy smiled all the way to the train platform.
8. Mommy and Daddy are tired, broke, unable to find the initiative to clean the apartment, kind of smelly, and very happy.

Thanks for a fun year, dude.

It's About Damn Time, You Little Jerk...

Oh, you think I'm going to crap myself over you finally, FINALLY saying "Dada" today? You think so? No, little man, crapping one's self is more of a you thing. Besides, apparently this new word of yours wasn't as important as the following tricks:

First Tooth: did that on July 2nd. Grandmas were happy. Me? Not impressed at all. You didn't even appreciate the Jameson and Sons we used to help when the teething was at its worst. Man, all you did was grow those things. I had to mark the date in my head for a month and a half.

First Word: "Mama." You said that on July 16th. I spent ten minutes helping you trim "mamamamamamamamama" into two syllables, making your mother very happy. Me? Well I've been saying mama since at least my 16th birthday, which was 13 years before I MADE YOU FROM MY SEED!!! And you didn't even say thank you.

First Ice Cream: August 5th. Chocolate Marshmallow from Tasti-d-Lite on 7th Ave. in Brooklyn, between 9th and 10th streets. One day you will totally melt some girl's panties by taking her there and dropping this adorable little story (play up the bit about bouncing in your little stroller with delight) after buying her a frozen treat. YOU ARE WELCOME.

First celebrity meeting: August 7th. Will Leitch. He thought you were so cute that he said something to me before I said anything to him. You may impress the creme de la creme of sports bloggers-turned-legitimate writers, but I for one don't give a crap. BTW: We were at Lowlands bar. Bars in Park Slope are cool because you can bring the baby along. Sweet. Keep that in mind if you find yourself becoming a dad on the east coast.

So, here it is, the summer winding down, and now you finally feel like throwing your old man a bone, and you think that all will be great with me?

You are right. Now please stop calling the dog "dada."

Today In Holy Crap: I Can Hold This Bottle My Own Damn Self!!

This afternoon, I was in The Bronx (my ass was complimented by a 13 year old today), and Shannon was in Midtown (I don't think her ass was complimented by a 13 year old today, but it's nice nonetheless). Isaac hung out with what he will refer to one day as "Grandma," and I will refer to as "Free Child Care." And apparently, in the latest in a long line of things I don't get to see, the little sumbitch showed off for Grandma by holding his bottle on his own.

On the one hand, this is amazing. Hell, any number of embarrassing spills on bar patrons later, and I still can't do what he did today. On the other hand, I'm kind of disappointed that I missed another cool first, because I had to make sure that kids in the South Bronx understand that you just can't call the Science teacher a white devil. Or comment on the math teacher's physical attributes. Don't hate me because I have a sweet ass. I can't help it.

Hopefully I'll have video evidence soon.

Isaac's First Math Joke

Today in "holy crap": Baby's First Boner

Did I just have to explain to a diaper-changing Shannon that the direction Isaac's erect penis is pointing wouldn't hurt him too much, as long as you don't bend it? Yes, yes, I did.

Best. Nap. Ever.

Now that I'm back to working, and now that my graduate classes are back in session, I officially don't see Isaac from about 7am-11pm on Thursdays. I also had my LSAT this morning, so really, I haven't seen much of Ike the past three days.

In spite of this, we are becoming a dynamite napping duo. He gets positioned on his stomach, with his head over my heart for white noise, and after a few sleep screams, he's out, I'm out, and all is right with the world. He's the Ross to my Joey.

For about 40 minutes.

Then, it's back to this:**


Also, today Isaac's Social Security Card came. This is great news, because if that little bastard doesn't get a damn job already I'm gonna give him something to cry about. Here's a hint, little one: it's my boot in your adorable little backside.


** No, I'm not a horrible monster who takes delight in my child's tears. Well, maybe I am, but not in front of people. The video was taken in one of the "Clearly, I'm hungry, but the soft-serve machine isn't on yet" moments. You see, babies don't appreciate the whole "I NEED 1 MINUTE" thing. Which is one more thing Isaac and I have in common.

Isaac Is Watching You

As of today, one of the first month milestones can be crossed off Isaac's development checklist: he can track slowly moving objects easily. This means he can now do the following things:

1. sleep
2. eat
3. cry
4. poop
5. poop while sleeping and eating
6. stare in something like abject horror at the strange sounding bearded giant's face as it moves from the left of his field of vision to the right.

 

And yes, this is as adorable as it sounds.