On being tired

The most startling thing about being a new parent is how abruptly ecery aspect of your WHOLE LIFE changes. I know, I know. Shocking right? But if you haven't had a kid, that statement can't be understood, and if you have a kid, that statement is so trivial as to be ridiculous. That said, it's not just the big things that change immediately. It's little things. Take for example the statement "I am tired."

I used to be a lot like my childless friends. They complain about being tired all the time, casually. "I woke up at 2pmm, hungover as hell, and I'm BEAT," they tell me. "I napped for 3 hours, then got 9 hours uninterrupted last night, and I may stroll over for brunch around 3:30, if I'm not too tired." SHUT. UP.

If you want to know "tired," to truly understand the very essence of the word, you MUST have a child in the house. For those of you who don't have access to one of these, you can simulate the experience as follows:

1) have a deranged homeless person move in. It is essential that this person is incapable of being rational. Bonus authenticity points if he shits his pants regularly.

2) Pay him to begin hysterically screaming in your ear at random intervals, every one and half to three hours. Make sure there is no rhyme or reason to it, and that sometimes the screaming continues unabated for hours on end.

3) Keep your screaming, insane bum on the payroll for 18 fucking years. Carry him around from time to time, like so:


Then, and only then, do I want to hear that you're "tired."