Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Is My Child Squirtle?

So I was playing Super Smash Brothers Brawl (which is the jam), and one of the guys I got to use to beat up random jerks with was a Pokemon named Squirtle. Only, I think I recognize him.... those Nintendo pricks turned my son into a damn cartoon!

Observe. From the Pokemon community "Bulbapedia":

Special abilities: Squirtle can spray water from its mouth.
Isaac can spray all SORTS of liquid from his mouth! He once hit me in the face from what had to be 10 feet away. He's projectile spewed all over mommy so many times that she always smells a little like rancid milk. So, just a coincidence, you say? READ ON.

Squirtle can learn to use a Bite attack.
Isaac bites all sorts of crap: his arm, his hands, mom's hands, dad's hands, shirts, mom's boobs, and one time, dad's boob. The similarities are beginning to add up.

The main character in Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Team Go-Getters out of the Gate! special is a Squirtle that claims that he used to be human.
Isaac IS a human!!! Are you freaked out yet? I sure as shit am!

Squirtle was mentioned in the first episode of the anime, Pokémon - I Choose You!, as one of the three starter Pokémon new Trainers in Pallet Town can choose from. Ash dreamed of owning one, and it was his first choice of a starter. However, when he arrived at Oak's lab, he found out it was too late, as another Trainer who started the same day had already taken it.
You think when we got our starter human-emon, that other people didn't wish that they could have taken him home instead of their ugly baby?!?! Also, they call it "Oak's lab." The fake wood at the hospital? It was freakin' OAK!! CREEEEEEPY!

So, let me sum up like this: Nintendo, you sick bastards, you owe me money. Or at least let me have the rights to this Squirtle character. I have an idea for a Pokemon spin-off. It's like Pokemon crossed with that old R. Kelly tape that got him into all that trouble...

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