Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Might as well know this now:

Dear Future Isaac,

At this moment, you are just unwinding from what ever sort of Blade Runner-meets-Yo Gabba Gabba activities they do in the future (probably some sort of Krystal-Meth 4 Kids!!), and whether or not you know it, you need a piece of loving fatherly advice. Well, screw that. Instead, let me give you a warning: the only thing standing between you and a unibrow is a lifetime of horrifically painful, never-ending effort on your part.

From age 12 until the day God finally beckons you home (MANY MANY YEARS AFTER AGE 12, GOT IT MISTER?!?!?) you will be forced on the regular to grab a pair of tweezers and literally yank hairs out of your damn head. It will be miserable. On several occasions, tears will reflexively well up in your eyes. You will swear. But you must do it.

"Forget that, dad" you say, "I'll just let it go." Oh, that it were so simple. See, at some point around age 12, you are going to rediscover breasts. I know that present you (or past you, if I'm keeping this in the right tense) knows a thing or two about boobs-as-Dairy Queens, but one day you will think of other uses for them. And you will want access. And that giant damn caterpillar growing at regular intervals on your face will prevent that. And so you will pluck.

Couple of little tips for getting the job done, little man: First: get the tweezers that have the scissor handles. Better grip, fewer slips, and absolutely worth the extra money. Get two sets. Second, timing is everything: Don't pluck immediately before going out, or you will be forced to address the fact that the bridge of your nose looks like some sort of akimbo Rudolph.

And finally, know this: you will try to get them all. You will think you're keeping tabs. And then one day you will look in the mirror and notice one thick, dark, oily-looking hair right where you want it least. And you will have to know that you talked to friends, co-workers, fast-food service employees, women and priests with that thing staring them all down. In those moments, keep in mind that you are smarter than them all, as it will be the only consolation.

Love, Dad

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